Dinner, Party of One

"Find me a man who is interesting enough to have dinner with and I'll be happy"

-Lauren Bacall

Enter new character: Speed Dumper (Like Speed Dater in Reverse)

I had a dinner party today. I don't know if disaster is a good or bad way to describe this shindig that I decided to put on. Here's the set up: I decided to throw a dinner party, invite some friends, and invite The Ex and the 19 Year O

ld, who I was currently seeing. I don't know if I am just masochistic or if it was curiosity, the kind of curiosity people have with oh, say, insect fights. Regardless, I was experiencing those feelings.

And I suppose I wanted to entertain those feelings as much as I wanted to entertain my dinner guests.

Somewhere along the way during my preparation, I start text messaging our new character Speed Dumper. This is a guy that I don't really know, but for whatever reason he has my number and, throughout the night, was rapidly text messaging me. He said he needed a place to stay for the night, in exchange for his Cranium playing skills

. I told him that there was no way that he could stay in my house. Let's face it- I would not ever let a stranger stay in my house under these particular circumstances (or almost any, come to think of it). If nothing else I respect the rights of my roommate more than that.

So here I am text messaging away- all the while trying to shower, go to the store, clean, and prepare food- B

ecause this guy would not stop for one minute. I am sure my dad is going to love the phone bill for this month. Needless to say, I only got to "go to the store" on the list of things to do before my guests arrived. It worked out alright though, because we all prepared food together. The first two to arrive were The Ex and one of our mutual friends. I told The Ex that he could bring his new Girlfriend, but he declined. Oh well. I don't know why I would want to put m

yself through that anyway. Next to arrive was the roommate- boyfriendless. She said her boyfriend would be there shortly. We all began to prepare food when the 19 year old finally showed.

I started to get really nervous. I mean my Ex-boyfriend in the same room with the new guy I am seeing... originally I thought they would be the one's uncomfortable, but for some reason, I think I was the only one who felt that way while the two were in the same room.

19 year old asked me how he was going to be introduced, and if he was to say that he was my boyfriend. Shit. I hadn't thought about introductions. I told him that he could say his name, and just introduce himself that way. However, he didn't get to do that, because when we walked in the house together I nervously stammered "Eh... this is my friend, 19 year old". I think that is what started to make him feel uncomfortable in the first place.

He kind of stood by the door while we all prepared food in my kitchen. He started text messaging and didn't say much until he told us he "left his camera in his car" and wanted to go get it. He said he would be right back. Well, in that time frame, all of the food was prepared, eaten, a few games were played, Speed Dumper kept text messaging me, and the mutual friend of Ex and I Left. I called him- he said he was coming back, but I was starting to have my doubts. Roommate's boyfriend arrived and Ex left.

So for a short time it was just Roommate, Her boyfriend, and myself... oh, and Speed Dumper, if you consider his constant presence on my phone during the night. Then 19 finally came back. He told us some (more than likely bullshit) story about how he got back and his ex-girlfriend was there and how it was a big mess and he had to call the cops...blah blah fucking blah.

There was really no conversation going on. So Roommate's Boyfriend and I engaged in one about trendy friends. Let me also give you this 'lil disclosure: the only thing 19 talked about all night was motorcycles and biking (oh, and when he defended my younger brother's use of the N word). This in mind... Ok, so, I get a text message...I think it is the Speed Dumper guy, but no! It is 19. What? I am sitting right next to him! Why would he be text messaging me when we are sitting next to each other? What possibly could he say?

"I didn't come here to talk about TRENDS with your friends, I came here to see you".

HOLD THE FUCK UP MISTER!!! This is a dinner party. This is not a dinner for two- shit, I would make you pay for that if it was. Sorry we don't like, and can't talk about motorcycles- they don't interest us (aside maybe from Roommate's Boyfriend). So shut the fuck up. And besides, whenever I go to your house you are always playing video games with friends, and I have to wait around an hour watching you play your lame ass video games. You don't think that bores the hell out of me? But do I say anything? Do I tell you that that is boring and your friends are lame? Fuck no, because I have respect fucking baby. RESPECT! And the other day when I came over, we went and had lunch and then went back to your house but you already had a friend there, waiting to go dirt biking- did I fucking complain when you abruptly ditched me? Helllllls No fuck tard. And lastly, these are my friends. I like them better than you. I have known you for...um, 6 weeks maybe- They have years on your sorry ass. So I text message him: "If you don't like my friends, you can leave". He did.

So there was some awkward tension in the room, but Speed Dumper decides he wants to come over. Great. I told him, I guess I have nothing to lose, seeing as most of my guests have left by now, so why not? He came over. We played a short version of Cranium (he was self-proclaimed a "Pro" and "Awesome" and "I want him on my team"). I chose my roommate to be on my team, and we kicked the boys ASS! It was amazing. I think they answered one question by the time we got around the board. Suckas. At least my friends liked this one better than the last one. Which was all I was asking, really.

Roommate and her boyfriend left. I was alone with Speed Dumper. I kicked him out after a half hour. I told him not to make any moves, and he could not stay over. I timed that half hour to the minute. He left.

The dinner party was over. I was pretty sure I had broke up with 19, and now I had this guy, Speed Dumper, texting me non-stop. One thing I realized about who I wanted to date, at this point, was: they have to like my friends. Being as I like my friends, I like hanging out with them, and I have known them longer (plus, I have to live with Roommate, so why would I want to chose a guy over her)? If you don't like them- don't openly criticize them to me. That is one way to find yourself to the door fast. That, and don't date a 19 year old if you are 22 (unless you are my Roommate and find a good one).