Perspective Piece

It's a hard fall- before reality softens the blow.

Two things I have noticed:

1.) everyone seems to be on first dates these days

and 

2.) people are lonely.  Or starving.  Deprived of meaningful interaction in their lives.  Not all, but a lot that I have found these days.  And though they will not outright say it- though they may hide behind the facade that friends or relationships provide them, you can see it.  I can see it.  I can see it in the distance that grows when one is "with someone (friend or otherwise)", sipping coffee and gazing off into another world of more interesting conversation- the thrill of the new, perhaps.  

Sometimes I feel that way.  And sometimes my life is on rewind- replaying every situation in my mind: what could I have done or said better, what was ill in the thinking process, or simply having the same conversation over and over and over again.  

But there is a sickening comfort in that.  One might slip into the ease of repetition and familiarity.  I think that is why I stayed in a relationship with Ex so long.  Truth be told, I should have never dated him.  But I was naive.  I wanted a relationship, much as I feel now.  I settled.  It troubles me to think that I may slip into a similar situation again, should I not be cautious.  And then, how do I shut out being overly-cautious, as so much as disposing of opportunities before they happen?

And if, for a moment, we assuredly go back to the idea of loneliness, can one discover that we are only really lonely if our own person is not enough to fill the void?  How can it be that I want a relationship, but I do not know the legitimate, qualifying reasons for this?  I tried to go out on a dinner date with myself the other day.  I enjoyed it, but it was also awkward. I had no one to share ideas with, or exchange jokes with... just myself, and my own pathetic internal dialog; trying to rationalize everything I already said, and trying to comfort myself that it is "O.K. to be single".  I know it is.  I understand this, but I don't want to process it.

And so, like my fellow coffee shop dwellers, bar regulars, and localites, I entertain the idea of a promising relationship, I find people to attach my unrequited feelings to, and smile when I eat alone.  Realistically, I do not need a relationship- I need to be comfortable with myself first.  And that, my friends, is the genuine difference between cocky and confident- the level of trust and comfortability one has for themselves.  I don't need a boyfriend, I need confidence- which I will not find if I keep doting on my own personal imperfections or loneliness.